Recently I joined this Divorced Woman’s Group, I know, how cliche, but it was the best thing for me. When you are going through a divorce and everyone else around you are happily living their lives you feel alienated and alone.
Recently I joined this Divorced Woman’s Group, I know, how cliche, but it was the best thing for me. When you are going through a divorce and everyone else around you are happily living their lives you feel alienated and alone. This group stopped me from feeling like that and helped me realize that I had support from women who understood. In fact, there are 1300 women in the group, 1300!! All different age groups, different ethnicities and from all over the world. This group is the one place you can go to share your anger at how easily the scum bucket moved on with your cousin, you can share your crushed heart, devastated at the fact that you realized 20 something years later that he in fact didn’t love you at all and you can also share those dark, lonely nights where you lay in your bed, crying uncontrollably because of the physical pain you feel, the hot tears of anger at yourself for crying over the piece of crap and because of your betrayal. This group is a place I can go and get lifted up by my fellow women, which is becoming such a rarity.
I’ve learned so much about myself as a woman and my marriage. It’s been a hard journey, I googled and YouTubed all the self help bullcrap I could and not a single one worked. Sometimes I in fact did the opposite of what they said. They said to not dwell in the past, but I think you have too a little, not to the point where it consumes your present life but enough where you can look back at all the times, he said to you “it’s not about you”, that he in fact was right because it was never about me or even US for that matter, it was about him. Just himself and I was an afterthought. Looking back to recall that one moment when he told me marriage was just a piece of paper, I see know that maybe at this moment I should have realized dedicating my life to this marriage and man wasn’t going to be worth all the time, effort and love when it was just a piece of paper to him. My looking back in the past, like when he would use my mistakes and imperfections as excuses to cheat on me 4 times, devastating our family and bringing our marriage to ruin, that this reason was just that an excuse from a man who didn’t really care, love or respect me. Looking at my past has helped me come to terms with things and have helped me to start to let go.
They said to write a letter to him but not send it. I thought screw that!! Why waste my words or any more time on him, so I wrote a letter to myself which I read on the hard days. They say to go out and meet people, do things. This is a good idea but for me not at this moment. I want to figure myself out, fix myself on the inside and relearn what it means to be me. Going out and meeting people will have to wait for me.
The most important thing on my journey has been admitting the most difficult thing to myself and that is, I deserve more than what I had gotten from this so-called man in the 20 something years we were together. I deserved his loyalty, his respect, his love, his time and his effort because I gave mine without hesitation. I deserved to be treated as a person. The hard part of admitting all this is the fact that I had to admit to myself why I accepted such unacceptable actions. Why did I accept being second choice how many times? Why did I accept the fact that it was okay to treat me as an opponent and not part of a team? Why was it okay for him to use degrading comments to bring me down and question my womanhood? There are two answers to this and the first one was because I was afraid, I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid to lose another person, I was afraid that maybe the horrible things he said about me being fat, ugly, being a mediocre woman were true. The second and hardest to admit was I believed I wasn’t worthy of love.
I am almost forty years old, and I am just now starting to figure everything out. I’ve recently made some drastic decisions and there are times when I will start to shake with my uncertainty of wondering if I made the right choices. I have just started my journey and where it might lead me is sometimes frightening and other times the anticipation is a welcome twinge in my stomach.