All I crave for you, is for your body to be parched, starved from missing my closeness, my smell, my touch.
All I wish for you, is for your days to be full of memories of our time together, the laughter, the smiles and good times.
All I yearn for you, is during the nights, when you close your eyes, they are haunted by images of our passionate kisses and intimate embraces
All I crave for you, is for your body to be parched, starved from missing my closeness, my smell, my touch.
All I hope for you, is your soul to be clouded by regrets, the what if’s and the deep, saddening loss of our abrupt ending.
All I pray for you, is for your life to be overflowing with the happiness that you refused to have with me.
Then it hit me……Am I choosing men in my life like nail polish? And to my upmost disgust I realized, I am!!
I’m not sure when this world changed and created such a hard environment to meet a person. Being newly single after 20+ years of marriage to my high school sweetheart left me with this excited yet scary feeling! Yes, you can laugh now at my stupidity for thinking that dating was going to be amazing! I was shocked to learn that we no longer meet a person the old way, you know at a store when you are shopping, maybe at a restaurant or here’s an idea maybe when you are at a movie theater. Nope! These are no longer things that happen! All that it required is a simple dating app! Yes, my friends, you download this app that once installed connects you 1000s of “single” people out there who are like you, out there searching for a partner in this huge hot mess we call life! These apps come in many forms but the basics of them are, you look at a few pictures, see the information that the people have provided and make a choice. You swipe right to like them and left to discard them. Wow right! So simple.
I was in deep thought one day and started to think we make many life choices on what we see and read on the internet, where we click and swipe away. We turn to search apps and websites to choose a new phone and plan, what about our car insurance? And our health insurance? We even do this for simple things like choosing shoes and even nail polish. For some reason I got stuck on nail polish, I am looking at the bright picture on the screen, the packaging and the color makes me click on it. I then read about how it is an amazing color that last so many days without chipping. Yes!! Just what I need!! What I need, definitely has nothing to do with the fact that we all know the chances of this color looking as amazing as it does in the pictures and lasting as long as it has stated is pretty slim to none…. kind of like the odds you face when you are gambling at a casino. Then it hit me……Am I choosing men in my life like nail polish? And to my upmost disgust I realized, I am!!
I am getting on an app or website, on which I am looking at pictures and reading the words that said man has provided and making judgements on whether or not I could possibly like them? Or at the very least spend time on them. The “shopping” for a man doesn’t end there, if you swipe left then the guy ends up at the bottom of the deck, don’t worry, he will resurface again. If you swipe right, then the game is just beginning. First quarter is when you have to become a private investigator and see if what this man has advertised is really who he is. Are they really the age they claim? Do they really have a job or are they an “entrepreneur”? Is “roommate” code for ex-wife, baby mama or mother? Everything checks out, then on to the next quarter we go. This is where you meet at a public place and see if you have a connection at all and if you want to spend any more time on this. Another issue may be resolved at this time and that is if he is interested in you or your vagina. If there is any attempt at sex the first meeting know that he wants the vagina and most likely that’s all. If you make it past the meet and greet without a flag on the play, then it’s on to the final quarter where you will converse with this person and see where their true colors lie. Here is where you may get many flags on the play, because you will see who they are when you refuse to send them nudies or fail to talk dirty back to them. Then there are also the ones who get offended when they send you an unsolicited picture of their penis and you tell them not to contact you anymore. Thus, the game is over, and you have to start all over again.
Dating now and days is a complete shit show with no guarantees or return policies. The amount of disappointment can be rather depressing, which I personally have enough of without voluntarily adding more!! All this modern world bull shit is all anticlimactic…the nail polish with its false claim of not chipping, the dating app for saying it would help me find a mate. There are some things that shouldn’t be chosen over an app or website.
It’s surreal sometimes how the smallest things were probably the loudest things trying to get my attention and say look at me!! There’s something missing here!! Pay attention!!
Today as I was slowly going through the three boxes that contained within them the very few unnecessary processions that I as a woman have held onto, I came upon a card from my ex-husband. It shocked me a little as I have thrown out any gifts, he every had the thought to give me, I burned all pictures of him and I, except of course the very few that contained my children in them as well. After the shock passed, I opened it and it said what any other mass printed, store boughten card would say. How lucky he felt to have me as a wife, how he would never stop trying to tell me so and how he would never stop showing me because he loved me and would always need me more than anything. Two things entered my mind as I looked at this card that had been given to me on my birthday, what year I do not know. One thought was how easily words can be said, written, or typed and believed. All these printed words were ones any woman and wife would love to read. I began to wonder how many of the words did he even feel back when he bought this card. Did he just scan it and say this sounds good? Did he actually read them and think this is exactly how I feel? The second thing that I thought was how sad it was that as I looked over the card there were no written words from him. Only the love husband at the end. No written words to express any type of sentiment or emotions, only the pre-printed words. Why I never thought of this as sad before and it made me see just how blind I was or maybe how accepting of unacceptable actions I was. Don’t get me wrong the card was a wonderful thought but why no written words from him? I wasn’t asking for a story but maybe a few sentences of something that was actually from him? Maybe I am putting too much into a card, but I believe that actions speak loudly, they are what make your eyes see and your heart believe. When I think back to all the cards, I had gotten him I always wrote into them several lines because to me, a mass printed card just wasn’t good enough. It’s surreal sometimes how the smallest things were probably the loudest things trying to get my attention and say look at me!! There’s something missing here!! Pay attention!! It gets frustrating sometimes because if I had taken those blinding sunglasses off sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have almost 40 years of my life, packed into three small boxes. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to give up so much to get away and heal. Maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have giving so much time to such an unworthy man.
One of the best times of the day for me is either sunset or sunrise. I took this picture on the way home of a beautiful sunset. They never seem to stop amazing me, sunsets and sunrises. I could watch a thousand of them and still want watch more. My son asked me once, why do I take so many pictures of them and I told him it was because they’re my favorite times of the day. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked why. “Because a beautiful sunrise means I have a whole new day to experience whatever life gives me and a beautiful sunset means I conquered it all.”
The other day, I took this picture and it reminded me of when I was a kid and used to stare into the clouds for hours. Being led by my imagination and wonder of what my future would hold, I would get lost in them. What was I going to be when I grew up? How was I going to spend the fortune I was going to have? How was I ever going to deal with being gloriously happy all the time? Such nonsensical things like that. I often wonder when I stopped getting lost in the clouds?
It’s mother’s day, so naturally my thoughts are on my mother. I often wonder if she is like me and thinks about how somethings in motherhood aren’t how I thought they’d turn out to be. For example, when I was younger, I would say such ridiculous comments like “When I have my children they’ll never do…..” or my favorite, ” I’ll never let my children……”. Here I am 36, raising two teenagers, a toddler and I’m pretty sure all those things I said they’d never do and I said I’d never let them do, have happened. I find my parenting a little more “relaxed” then how I was raised. I don’t get angry and grounding crazy when they bring home bad grades or get in trouble at school. I let them know how I feel and maybe issue a small punishment. I learned that expecting them to be how I was when I was their age is a too much of a great expectation. How can I when they didn’t or haven’t been threw or experienced events that I did when I was their age. So…I let them make their own choices and mistakes. I’m still not sure if this is a good thing…I’m sure in time we will find out. I love my children and they didn’t turn out how I imagined which makes me think, did I turn out how my mother imagined?
It is astonishing how much words can do. Just because I sit in silence doesn’t mean that I am not listening. listening to the words of hatred, disgust and anger, being flung at me. Like rocks at a glass pane.
It is confounding how much words can show. Just because I show no emotion doesn’t mean I am not feeling. Feeling every slash, stab and crushing blow delivered by mouth from your thoughts.
It is shocking how much your words can wound. Just because I do not bleed, doesn’t mean I am not injured.
Everything about me is simple and unremarkable. The monotonous moving through the cycles of my day help keep that translucent band aid over the huge gaping wound that covers my heart. I imagine it being a large, jagged, raw looking cut that runs all along the front of my heart. There is nothing to be done to this injury except slapping on this band aid that threatens to fall off every second of every minute of every day .
There are times when I can barely feel it there, the moving along through this thing that is called life, going to work, taking care of my children, smiling and conversing with others makes the injury blur and not be so evident. There are times, which I even feel slightly normal and just a tad happy. The thought that maybe things aren’t all what I think them to be becomes so strong that I even start to believe the lie myself. These moments are fleeting and are whisked away like a leaf in the wind.
Then there are the times when I become lost in my memories of you, of things that have passed and the band aid slips off before I even know it, leaving the wound evident, burning, hurting and bringing about the sting of tears to my eyes. I am engulfed in so much emotion, there is no where I can hide, and there are no words that can be said. The hurting spreads throughout my soul like the sensation of a limb that has fallen asleep and is now awakening with a vengeance. The only thing that can be done is to hold on to the reigns and ride out the storm. Once the storm has passed and the dark clouds have parted, I stand up, dust of my body, pick up that band aid and slap it back in place.
That is the only thing I can do.