IT

It covers me, an unshakeable dust

It covers me, an unshakeable dust. It’s all-consuming fire, fills my lungs with its smoke. It’s ever reaching shadow, inside of my mind. I fight not to look for it over my shoulder. I try not to see it in people’s eyes or assume its lurking around every corner. It’s worse than being hurt, regretful or angry. It is the one thing that haunts me as I try to move on. You might catch a glimpse of it cross my face for a single second or maybe hear it tint my voice for an ounce of a second. Sometimes the amount of it I feel inside becomes heavy and such a burden upon my soul. Why can’t it leave me be? Why won’t it let me go?

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All I Want for You

All I crave for you, is for your body to be parched, starved from missing my closeness, my smell, my touch.

All I wish for you, is for your days to be full of memories of our time together, the laughter, the smiles and good times.

All I yearn for you, is during the nights, when you close your eyes, they are haunted by images of our passionate kisses and intimate embraces

All I crave for you, is for your body to be parched, starved from missing my closeness, my smell, my touch.

All I hope for you, is your soul to be clouded by regrets, the what if’s and the deep, saddening loss of our abrupt ending.

All I pray for you, is for your life to be overflowing with the happiness that you refused to have with me.

Fraudulent Soul

I vacantly walk through my life.
I am this barren thing.

I vacantly walk through my life.

I am this barren thing.

My eyes hide within them all these agonizing tears that have yet been shed.

All that once was full of such emotions, aspirations, now remain deathly still, decaying from so much despair.

My smile conceals behind it all the heartbroken, disappointment and loss.

I am this fabrication of a woman.

Every laugh a forgery. Every nice gesture a deception.

My empty, cold, heart within requiring me to pretend.

Vacantly I stumble through my life.

Such a fraudulent soul……

The Dream

You were the dream I had never wanted to wake up from, the one I had been looking for.

You were the dream I had never wanted to wake up from, the one I had been looking for.

You were the breath of fresh air I had been so desperate to inhale, bringing me back to life.

you created such happiness within me that I had forgotten about the darkest, saddest I had ever been. The smiles covered my lips, lit up my face and shone through my eyes.

You made me dare to think of a possible future I had forgotten could exist.

Finally! I had me a like soul who believed in building an “Us”, worthy of the time, effort and commitment.

When you walked away without a backward glance, you crushed my soul and brought me down to my knees.

You took the air from my lungs, the light in my eyes and ripped the love in my soul to shreds.

You and I were no longer a dream. All that was left was me, alone in the nightmare of

Time Periods That Are Me

I have divided my life into periods, like the ones you learned about in science and history class. Like the Stone Age or the Renaissance period. I imagine what I would call them.

When I think about the last years of my life, I would never imagine that I would be where I am today, not only physically but emotionally. The last few years of my life have been such a whirlwind of events, emotions and changes. They say we should not think about our past because it does not define who we are, which is not true in a sense. What’s happened in our past can shape and mold us if we let it, in good and in bad. Ultimately it is us that defines who we are. I definitely think that it is a good thing to think about your past, reflect upon it just as long as you don’t linger there and let it consume your future.

I have divided my life into periods, like the ones you learned about in science and history class. Like the Stone Age or the Renaissance period. I imagine what I would call them. There’s the Adolescent Era where I was young, naive and full of so many dreams. Back when I was full of so much wonder and imagination. Then there is the Bereavement period, the time that death touched my life and changed everything forever. What about the years I spent fooling myself that I was living a happy life, maybe that would be called the Disillusionment Era. Alas the last period would have to represent the years I spent going back to the drawing board, starting from scratch. There we many dark times, healing moments and learning going on. I’d call it the Phoenix Era, for many reasons. The phoenix is found throughout time and in many cultures as a magnificent bird that lived many years, dies, and is reborn. I relate to this as I feel I am this ever-changing soul who has been burned, destroyed and brought back from the ashes as this new brilliant, amazing creature.

Until we understand the events of our past we can’t fully move on and heal. It is such an amazing gift to wake up every day with that clean slate, to have that chance to be an amazing force out in these very stagnant waters. A person who holds the door for someone, say some kind words to someone who’s having a hard day, be the person who sees the opportunity to do something just because and not expect anything in return. How would you divide your life?

Choosing Men Like Nail Polish

Then it hit me……Am I choosing men in my life like nail polish? And to my upmost disgust I realized, I am!!

I’m not sure when this world changed and created such a hard environment to meet a person. Being newly single after 20+ years of marriage to my high school sweetheart left me with this excited yet scary feeling! Yes, you can laugh now at my stupidity for thinking that dating was going to be amazing! I was shocked to learn that we no longer meet a person the old way, you know at a store when you are shopping, maybe at a restaurant or here’s an idea maybe when you are at a movie theater. Nope! These are no longer things that happen! All that it required is a simple dating app! Yes, my friends, you download this app that once installed connects you 1000s of “single” people out there who are like you, out there searching for a partner in this huge hot mess we call life! These apps come in many forms but the basics of them are, you look at a few pictures, see the information that the people have provided and make a choice. You swipe right to like them and left to discard them. Wow right! So simple.

I was in deep thought one day and started to think we make many life choices on what we see and read on the internet, where we click and swipe away. We turn to search apps and websites to choose a new phone and plan, what about our car insurance? And our health insurance? We even do this for simple things like choosing shoes and even nail polish. For some reason I got stuck on nail polish, I am looking at the bright picture on the screen, the packaging and the color makes me click on it. I then read about how it is an amazing color that last so many days without chipping. Yes!! Just what I need!! What I need, definitely has nothing to do with the fact that we all know the chances of this color looking as amazing as it does in the pictures and lasting as long as it has stated is pretty slim to none…. kind of like the odds you face when you are gambling at a casino. Then it hit me……Am I choosing men in my life like nail polish? And to my upmost disgust I realized, I am!!

I am getting on an app or website, on which I am looking at pictures and reading the words that said man has provided and making judgements on whether or not I could possibly like them? Or at the very least spend time on them. The “shopping” for a man doesn’t end there, if you swipe left then the guy ends up at the bottom of the deck, don’t worry, he will resurface again. If you swipe right, then the game is just beginning. First quarter is when you have to become a private investigator and see if what this man has advertised is really who he is. Are they really the age they claim? Do they really have a job or are they an “entrepreneur”? Is “roommate” code for ex-wife, baby mama or mother? Everything checks out, then on to the next quarter we go. This is where you meet at a public place and see if you have a connection at all and if you want to spend any more time on this. Another issue may be resolved at this time and that is if he is interested in you or your vagina. If there is any attempt at sex the first meeting know that he wants the vagina and most likely that’s all. If you make it past the meet and greet without a flag on the play, then it’s on to the final quarter where you will converse with this person and see where their true colors lie. Here is where you may get many flags on the play, because you will see who they are when you refuse to send them nudies or fail to talk dirty back to them. Then there are also the ones who get offended when they send you an unsolicited picture of their penis and you tell them not to contact you anymore. Thus, the game is over, and you have to start all over again.

Dating now and days is a complete shit show with no guarantees or return policies. The amount of disappointment can be rather depressing, which I personally have enough of without voluntarily adding more!! All this modern world bull shit is all anticlimactic…the nail polish with its false claim of not chipping, the dating app for saying it would help me find a mate. There are some things that shouldn’t be chosen over an app or website.

Mass Printed Red Flags

It’s surreal sometimes how the smallest things were probably the loudest things trying to get my attention and say look at me!! There’s something missing here!! Pay attention!!

Today as I was slowly going through the three boxes that contained within them the very few unnecessary processions that I as a woman have held onto, I came upon a card from my ex-husband. It shocked me a little as I have thrown out any gifts, he every had the thought to give me, I burned all pictures of him and I, except of course the very few that contained my children in them as well. After the shock passed, I opened it and it said what any other mass printed, store boughten card would say. How lucky he felt to have me as a wife, how he would never stop trying to tell me so and how he would never stop showing me because he loved me and would always need me more than anything. Two things entered my mind as I looked at this card that had been given to me on my birthday, what year I do not know. One thought was how easily words can be said, written, or typed and believed. All these printed words were ones any woman and wife would love to read. I began to wonder how many of the words did he even feel back when he bought this card. Did he just scan it and say this sounds good? Did he actually read them and think this is exactly how I feel? The second thing that I thought was how sad it was that as I looked over the card there were no written words from him. Only the love husband at the end. No written words to express any type of sentiment or emotions, only the pre-printed words. Why I never thought of this as sad before and it made me see just how blind I was or maybe how accepting of unacceptable actions I was. Don’t get me wrong the card was a wonderful thought but why no written words from him? I wasn’t asking for a story but maybe a few sentences of something that was actually from him?     Maybe I am putting too much into a card, but I believe that actions speak loudly, they are what make your eyes see and your heart believe. When I think back to all the cards, I had gotten him I always wrote into them several lines because to me, a mass printed card just wasn’t good enough. It’s surreal sometimes how the smallest things were probably the loudest things trying to get my attention and say look at me!! There’s something missing here!! Pay attention!! It gets frustrating sometimes because if I had taken those blinding sunglasses off sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have almost 40 years of my life, packed into three small boxes. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to give up so much to get away and heal. Maybe just maybe I wouldn’t have giving so much time to such an unworthy man.

Being Part of a Cliche Can Be a Good Thing

Recently I joined this Divorced Woman’s Group, I know, how cliche, but it was the best thing for me. When you are going through a divorce and everyone else around you are happily living their lives you feel alienated and alone.

Recently I joined this Divorced Woman’s Group, I know, how cliche, but it was the best thing for me. When you are going through a divorce and everyone else around you are happily living their lives you feel alienated and alone. This group stopped me from feeling like that and helped me realize that I had support from women who understood. In fact, there are 1300 women in the group, 1300!! All different age groups, different ethnicities and from all over the world. This group is the one place you can go to share your anger at how easily the scum bucket moved on with your cousin, you can share your crushed heart, devastated at the fact that you realized 20 something years later that he in fact didn’t love you at all and you can also share those dark, lonely nights where you lay in your bed, crying uncontrollably because of the physical pain you feel, the hot tears of anger at yourself for crying over the piece of crap and because of your betrayal. This group is a place I can go and get lifted up by my fellow women, which is becoming such a rarity.

I’ve learned so much about myself as a woman and my marriage. It’s been a hard journey, I googled and YouTubed all the self help bullcrap I could and not a single one worked. Sometimes I in fact did the opposite of what they said. They said to not dwell in the past, but I think you have too a little, not to the point where it consumes your present life but enough where you can look back at all the times, he said to you “it’s not about you”, that he in fact was right because it was never about me or even US for that matter, it was about him. Just himself and I was an afterthought. Looking back to recall that one moment when he told me marriage was just a piece of paper, I see know that maybe at this moment I should have realized dedicating my life to this marriage and man wasn’t going to be worth all the time, effort and love when it was just a piece of paper to him. My looking back in the past, like when he would use my mistakes and imperfections as excuses to cheat on me 4 times, devastating our family and bringing our marriage to ruin, that this reason was just that an excuse from a man who didn’t really care, love or respect me. Looking at my past has helped me come to terms with things and have helped me to start to let go.

They said to write a letter to him but not send it. I thought screw that!! Why waste my words or any more time on him, so I wrote a letter to myself which I read on the hard days. They say to go out and meet people, do things. This is a good idea but for me not at this moment. I want to figure myself out, fix myself on the inside and relearn what it means to be me. Going out and meeting people will have to wait for me.

The most important thing on my journey has been admitting the most difficult thing to myself and that is, I deserve more than what I had gotten from this so-called man in the 20 something years we were together. I deserved his loyalty, his respect, his love, his time and his effort because I gave mine without hesitation. I deserved to be treated as a person. The hard part of admitting all this is the fact that I had to admit to myself why I accepted such unacceptable actions. Why did I accept being second choice how many times? Why did I accept the fact that it was okay to treat me as an opponent and not part of a team? Why was it okay for him to use degrading comments to bring me down and question my womanhood? There are two answers to this and the first one was because I was afraid, I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid to lose another person, I was afraid that maybe the horrible things he said about me being fat, ugly, being a mediocre woman were true. The second and hardest to admit was I believed I wasn’t worthy of love.

I am almost forty years old, and I am just now starting to figure everything out. I’ve recently made some drastic decisions and there are times when I will start to shake with my uncertainty of wondering if I made the right choices. I have just started my journey and where it might lead me is sometimes frightening and other times the anticipation is a welcome twinge in my stomach.

One of the best time of the day…..

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One of the best times of the day for me is either sunset or sunrise. I took this picture on the way home of a beautiful sunset. They never seem to stop amazing me, sunsets and sunrises. I could watch a thousand of them and still want watch more. My son asked me once, why do I take so many pictures of them and I told him it was because they’re my favorite times of the day. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked why. “Because a beautiful sunrise means I have a whole new day to experience whatever life gives me and a beautiful sunset means I conquered it all.”